Here I am. It is late. The house is quiet. My children are securely tucked into bed. I am left to my own thoughts.
Thoughts…So many thoughts. So many ‘What if ‘s?”…A cloud of doubt shadows over me like the darkness before a storm. What if Jace doesn’t like me? What if he screams for days? What if he has other issues that are yet undetected? Can I do this? Is this really God’s will—or did I act on my own selfish desire? The thoughts go on. They crowd my head as I lay awake in bed…over and over again they fire through my mind like missiles in battle-relentless-even as I am in prayer.
“Lord, only you know what this is all about. Only You know the depths of my heart’s desire. ..Tell me, Lord. Tell me You did this. You brought him to me, right? I didn’t want another child! I didn’t
need another child-and certainly not a deaf child when none of my family members share in my passion for the deaf community. Tell me I can do this. Tell me I didn’t go before you….no….no, I couldn’t have…right? “
Do you see how the seed of doubt can creep in? Do you see how it can capture and destroy even your inner most thoughts? Like a weed pushing its way into a garden, trying to take root, squelching the flourishing buds of a delicate, beautiful flower preparing to blossom. That is, unless that ugly root is extracted.
And so it is with the Gardener. Watching. Feeding. Nurturing. Watering. Waiting. Waiting for that delicate flower to bloom. There isn’t a weed He hasn’t seen. Not one that can fool Him. His power is greater than the strongest weed in its deceit, desperately trying to spread death and disease. He knows it takes patience, time and love to grow something so lovely. Something only He can truly enjoy-something worth waiting for…something that will need pruning in just the right season.
This is where my thoughts eventually rest. In the arms of my Gardener. Thank you, Lord for not leaving me to my own thoughts.
